Mad Farmer Liberation Front

Irony, again.

2008-01-26T17:52:00.000-06:00

This just in from the Beebs:

Agoraphobic Man's Body Found

Apparently this poor man disappeared after venturing outside his house for the first time in over 30 years.

A spokesperson for Alanis Morissette has said that, while the singer originally wanted to include this in a new version of her 1996 hit "Ironic", she simply could not think of a way to incorporate the line "It's like getting lost and dying the first time you've stepped outside your house in 30 years".

Speaking of stepping outside and dying...

Yahoo News, bastion of current cultural cak, have reported that:
Disabled Spy Satellite Threatens Earth

But notice if you will, the caption in the box underneath the main headline:
"Satellite falls out of orbit, may hit Earth"

May?! May hit Earth? I'm no scientist, but what the hell else "may" it hit? The fucking moon?!

Also in the "news" today: Amy Winehouse is a crack-whore, nobody understands Britney Spears, there's an Olsen twin, and a kitten in a boot. I guess it's been a really bad day for news...

Culturally-literate Alien Discovered

2008-01-25T03:42:00.000-06:00

Check it out:

Now whats we gots right here is simply proof that martians have read Hans Christian Anderson. (The Little Mertian?)
Wait, or is it Bigfoot? That'd be kinda cool too. Notice the similarities: same general shape, same general blurriness, same general camera-shyness. Gotta be Bigfoot.

My question is: why did NASA spend ninety-bazillion dollors to send a small rover-craft to Mars, only to take the same blurry photos of Bigfoot we've already got? Couldn't they do that on Earth? Have we determined whether it's Bigfoot or the Little Mermaid? The Big Mermaid? The Little Merfoot? And how is this getting me any closer to owning my own Texas-style ranch on Mars? (Mmm, "Hidden Valley Martian Ranch") So many unanswered questions...

Seriously NASA, you're gonna have to up your game if you want to get any money out of the upcoming administration. I mean, something really cool, like maybe have Flight of the Conchords playing that David Bowie song on the International Space Station or something.

Currently listening to: David Bowie - "Life On Mars"

Urban Sprawl Hits Alaska. Story at 11.

2007-06-24T13:06:00.000-05:00

From Yahoo! News:

Huge Alaska blaze destroys dozens of homes

Uh oh, next it'll be "Massive One-car Pile-up On Dirt Road".

And I'll laugh at that, too.

Hi. I'm non-plussed. Pleased to meetcha.

Notes from the Bus

2007-06-17T18:11:00.000-05:00

Some days I really despise riding the bus; the waiting, the noise, the endless bumps that make writing impossible. Give me liberty, sure, but could you throw in a few less obnoxious cell-phone-yellers? Seriously, my own personal elite-o-meter keeps tripping every time I walk on.

But sometimes, even for all that, it can be quite enjoyable: I've paid $50 for gas since February, I catch the bus two blocks from home and get dropped off two blocks from work, and then there's that slight glimmer of mirth watching bumper-to-bumper traffic crawl from St. Paul to Minneapolis from the air-conditioned bus cruising by on the shoulder. And then there's the time to read; reading instead of fighting through traffic. I'm sure that my blood pressure dropped about 20 points when I quit driving.

And then there's times like today, when I'm reminded another reason I like riding the bus: the watching. The bus gives you a unique platform for people-watching (and thing- and city-watching), which most people don't really realize. Just today, on my way to work, I spotted a few gems:

Two interesting t-shirts; one said "Cook" on the front, the other "I am NOT a waitress". They got off within two stops of each other.

Two very random Bumper-stickers:
"Republicans for VOLDEMORT"

and my personal favorite

"I'd Rather Be Reading Flannery O'Connor"

:)

A Brief Lesson in History, World Politics, and Satire.

2007-06-10T11:19:00.000-05:00

History: Col. Blackadder explains how World War 1 started.

Current Events:

Retired Gen. George Washington Criticizes Bush's Handling Of Iraq War

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Revolutionary War veteran noted that while Hussein was a tyrant, that alone did not justify a "conflict that seems without design or end."

Another Reason To Never Go To Alabama

2007-05-27T09:50:00.000-05:00

Boy, 11, Bags Hog Bigger Than 'Hogzilla'

Holy crap! That thing's HUGE! I mean, who gives an eleven-year-old a .50 caliber pistol?!?!

Travel Fun

2007-04-12T21:40:00.000-05:00

Do it. Do it now.

--Go to Google.com
--Click on Maps
--Click on 'Get Directions' (near the search bar):
--From New York, New York
--To Paris, France.
--Read line # 23.

Ha.

Thanks D.

Ooooh.

2007-03-19T13:28:00.000-05:00

From Yahoo News:

Study Finds One-Third of D.C. Residents Are Illiterate

I must admit, my first thought was, "Oh. Well that explains a lot."

Brilliant!

2007-03-02T16:22:00.000-06:00

This week's "Accidental Invasion" prize goes to...Switzerland, of all places. Really!

According to Yahoo News, "Swiss Accidentally Invade Liechtenstein". Wait, aren't the Swiss supposed to be neutral? The Land of the Incredibly Versitile, But Rather Small Army Knife? Well, I suppose it WAS an accident, and the Liechtenstonians weren't angry. In fact, they may have also used this opportunity to voice their disapproval of the U.S. invasion of Iraq; "It's not like they stormed over here with attack helicopters or something," joked Markus Amman, spokesman for the Interior Ministry and Department of International Snide Remarks. In fact, while 171 Swiss soldiers (they have those?) ended up wandering around two kilometers inside Liechtenstein, their ammunition remained safely in Switzerland. As they should. At least this time they didn't burn down a forest.

My mother is right, though: war is a great way to learn geography. Did you know where Liechtenstein was before this?

PC 'kini

2007-01-16T23:48:00.000-06:00

This just in from the Department of International Absurdity:
"Burqini comes to Aussie beaches"

A Muslim fashion designer has come up with an ingenious idea that allows female Muslim Aussies to patrol the beaches of Australia: the burkini.

Obviously.

I mean, why not combine the modest, religiously-compliant burqa with the fashionable, two-piece bikini. It only makes sense. Right?

And for those of you worried about the United States falling behind in the Hard-line Islamic Swimwear race, let me assure you, both Senator John Kerry and Hugh Hefner are hard at work doing what they can to help popularize this new trend in the U.S.

Well, kinda.

To Do List

2006-11-18T09:08:00.001-06:00

- Pick up potatoes and carrots at the farmers market
- Visit Reykjavik
- Buy those tickets to the Ben Folds concert
- Learn to fly an airplane
- Scuba-dive the Great Barrier Reef
- See the Northern Lights;
the Southern ones too, if theres time
- Australia, for barbecued shrimp
- Stop by New Zealand
- Explore Madagascar, and the south side of town
- Go to that great tapas place in Nagoya
- Go to that great Mexican place in Minneapolis
- Play in a thunderstorm
- Pick up drycleaning
- Chase the blue hot air balloon in the countryside
- Stop at the farm to get sweetcorn,
Bell peppers, and fresh, ripe tomatoes
- See The Weakerthans, once more,
in Canada, in winter
- Sit on the porch with Eric, drink
steaming coffee, not saying anything
- Cook dinner

Advice on Life

2006-11-03T11:18:00.000-06:00

From the desk of the Mad Farmer:

How to Live

by Charles Harper Webb, from Amplified Dog.
© Red Hen Press.

"I don't know how to live."
–Sharon Olds

Eat lots of steak and salmon and Thai curry and mu shu
pork and fresh green beans and baked potatoes
and fresh strawberries with vanilla ice cream.
Kick-box three days a week. Stay strong and lean.
Go fly-fishing every chance you get, with friends

who'll teach you secrets of the stream. Play guitar
in a rock band. Read Dostoyevsky, Whitman, Kafka,
Shakespeare, Twain. Collect Uncle Scrooge comics.
See Peckinpah's Straw Dogs, and everything Monty Python made.
Love freely. Treat ex-partners as kindly

as you can. Wish them as well as you're able.
Snorkel with moray eels and yellow tangs. Watch
spinner dolphins earn their name as your panga slam-
bams over glittering seas. Try not to lie; it sours
the soul. But being a patsy sours it too. If you cause

a car wreck, and aren't hurt, but someone is, apologize
silently. Learn from your mistake. Walk gratefully
away. Let your insurance handle it. Never drive drunk.
Don't be a drunk, or any kind of "aholic." It's bad
English, and bad news. Don't berate yourself. If you lose

a game or prize you've earned, remember the winners
history forgets. Remember them if you do win. Enjoy
success. Have kids if you want and can afford them,
but don't make them your reason-to-be. Spare them that
misery. Take them to the beach. Mail order sea

monkeys once in your life. Give someone the full-on
ass-kicking he (or she) has earned. Keep a box turtle
in good heath for twenty years. If you get sick, don't thrive
on suffering. There's nothing noble about pain. Die
if you need to, the best way you can. (You define best.)

Go to church if it helps you. Grow tomatoes to put store-
bought in perspective. Listen to Elvis and Bach. Unless
you're tone deaf, own Perlman's "Meditation from Thais."
Don't look for hidden meanings in a cardinal's song.
Don't think TV characters talk to you; that's crazy.

Don't be too sane. Work hard. Loaf easily. Have good
friends, and be good to them. Be immoderate
in moderation. Spend little time anesthetized. Dive
the Great Barrier Reef. Don't touch the coral. Watch
for sea snakes. Smile for the camera. Don't say "Cheese."

Rob-ism

2006-10-22T09:12:00.000-05:00

"Wow. This show makes being a lawyer look really...boring."
- Rob, on watching "The Guardian"

Major News Event

2006-10-11T08:18:00.000-05:00

From the BBC:

Jelly sparks toxic waste alert

The suspicious substance had been left behind after a wedding party

A pile of jelly left by a road in Germany caused a major security alert after it was mistaken for toxic waste.

A large area near the town of Halle was cordoned off after a "flabby red, orange and green substance" was found by the road, Reuters reported.

Fire officers in protective suits spent two hours inspecting the substance before concluding it was jelly.

"The fire brigade always has to assume a worst-case scenario," a fire brigade spokesman told the news agency.

"We conducted a variety of tests and figured out it was jelly."

The spillage was traced to a wedding party. The newly-wed groom, who was woken up and informed of the alert, promised to clean up the mess.

Thought for the Day

2006-10-03T13:21:00.000-05:00

The goal of poetry, I believe, is not to say something original, something profound that no one has ever thought of before, but rather to say something that we all know and maybe just forgot, or to say it in a new way so we can see the thing from a new side and recognize new truth in it.

Today's "deep" thought is this: What happens when we cheapen everything to the point of availability? When did society (American, at least) get so cheap? Where did feeling go? Why am I sick of the kawaii-ness, the saccharine sweetness of it all? Even sentamentality tastes bitter.

Read, listen to The Writer's Almanac (Garrison Keillor has a beautiful radio voice), and then tell me what you think.

What's your "Hard Rain"?

Hard Rain
by Tony Hoagland from Hard Rain: A Chapbook.
© Hollyridge Press.

After I heard It's a Hard Rain's A-Gonna Fall
played softly by an accordion quartet
through the ceiling speakers at the Springdale Shopping Mall,
I understood there's nothing
we can't pluck the stinger from,

nothing we can't turn into a soft drink flavor or a t-shirt.
Even serenity can become something horrible
if you make a commercial about it
using smiling, white-haired people

quoting Thoreau to sell retirement homes
in the Everglades, where the swamp has been
drained and bulldozed into a nineteen-hole golf course
with electrified alligator barriers.

You can't keep beating yourself up, Billy
I heard the therapist say on television
to the teenage murderer,
About all those people you killed—
You just have to be the best person you can be,

one day at a time—

and everybody in the audience claps and weeps a little,
because the level of deep feeling has been touched,
and they want to believe that
the power of Forgiveness is greater
than the power of Consequence, or History.

Dear Abby:
My father is a businessman who travels.
Each time he returns from one of his trips,
his shoes and trousers
are covered with blood-
but he never forgets to bring me a nice present;
Should I say something?
Signed, America.

I used to think I was not part of this,
that I could mind my own business and get along,

but that was just another song
that had been taught to me since birth—

whose words I was humming under my breath,
as I was walking through the Springdale Mall.

Hmm...

2006-09-30T23:41:00.000-05:00

I have not blogged here in six months. Almost seven in fact.

Why...?

Well, it's been a busy almost-seven months, I can assure you of that:

I've been all over Japan, as you can see here - one of the main reasons I haven't written recently. I am Thom. Thom In Japan.

I've met and totally fallen for a beautiful English girl. She's cool, smells like nice, and kisses me like wild. It's amazing how one person can alter your body chemistry. And make you write weird stuff.

I've read some books. A lot of books in fact. In fact, I think I'll list them at some point, if I can remember them all. Terry Pratchett is fun; so're Tom Stoppard, Haruki Murakami, David Mitchell, and Ernest Hemingway. Italo Calvino'll kick yer ass. What a trip.

Speaking of trips, I went home for a bit too (which you can see here), and even saw some of you! If I didn't, I'm sorry; you should really leave more comments and make me feel guilty about not writing more.

And speaking - I speak a lot - of writing, I've been doing a little bit of writing in my "free" time; mostly trying to compile stories or work, more, still, on poetry. I really need to up the output, I'm looking at grad schools in the UK, and I'll need a good body of work (not to mention a generous benefactor. Need to be immortalized in sonnet? email me) to get in. Oh, to be a student again; all the late nights, caffeine overdoses, late-night talks about "serious" topics, and thought-provoking discussions in class; not to mention the sheer bliss of justified reading lists. Leeds has a course on the great Graham Greene; I have heart palpitations. Simple cause and effect.

Long story short, I hope to be posting on here some more; maybe some actual writing, if I can assure myself that no one will steal it and pass it off as their own. Maybe make some posts members-only. Hmm...

Oh, an I changed the colours on here; I think it looks nice...in IE. Unfortunate.

Test

2006-03-07T10:42:00.000-06:00

Okay, let's try this out:

First, think of a colour.
Then think of three words to describe that colour.

Second, think of an animal.
Then think of three words to describe that animal

Third, think of a body of water.
Then think of three adjectives to describe that body of water.

Fourth, imagine you're in a room where the walls are all white and there are no windows or doors.
Then think of three words to describe how that room makes you feel.

Then, post your answers.

Sheer Nonsense

2005-12-13T10:18:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I haven't posted anything in far too long; so much for not being blocked. I HAVE been writing more on the side, just not on the blog.

So...yeah.

Anyway, my roommate directed me to this video he found online; as a current Japanese expat/former Minnesotan himself, he knew I'd appreciate the wonderful blend of East-meets-North that is this Samurai Jack-style viking rock duel. Keep an eye out for a Minnesota Viking, "Bjorn to Rock" tattoo, and many other fun tidbits!

Check it out; "amazing" can't quite capture the grandeur. Please be patient with the doawnload, the video is definitely worth the wait.

peace,
-t

2005-10-14T02:21:00.000-05:00

And there will be more to come, ladies and gentlemen; I think the block has broken...

I Never Said That I Was Brave

2005-10-14T02:17:00.000-05:00

If you see this...well, you do...

You might sleep, but you'll never dream
Onward! Progress! Or so it seems.
You might laugh, but you'll never smile.
Come on in and waste away awhile.

When dreams of rings of flowers fade and blur
Giving way to that familiar ill
Come over and part your soft white curtains
Where I'm waiting for you still
If you'd unlatch the window,
If you'd let me lay there on your floor
If you'd give me another chance,
If you'd forget the pain I caused before

No use in saying how I'm sorry 
So I'm trying not to speak
I'll sing in silence, as I lay beside you
With my face against your cheek
My stomach swears there's comfort there
In the warmth of the blankets on your bed
My stomach's always been a liar-
I'll believe it lies again.

by mewithoutYou.

The Hobbes/Tyler Durden Connection

2005-09-10T04:12:00.000-05:00

This has got to be either the most brilliant thing ever written, or the world's most crazy character connection/waste of valuable human intellegence. I'm opting for number one, myself.

This article basically shows the reasonable connection between two of my favorite pseudo-philosopical productions: Calvin & Hobbes and Fight Club. "And ne'er the twain shall meet" thought you? Well, apparently you were wrong. I was.

The basic premise is The Narrator/Jack in Fight Club is a grown-up Calvin, and Tyler is just the latest installment of Hobbes. Bizarre as all get-out? Yes. But I give it four out of five Mad Farmers farming for the effort.

Utah Rave

2005-08-24T01:55:00.000-05:00

Want to see something really messed up? Check this out; apparently someone forgot to invite the U.S. Army to a rave. So they crashed it.

Watch the video, it's really freakin' scary!

So remember kids, if you're going to have a party in the State of Utah, get ALL the proper permits (even the ones they don't tell you about), and remember to invite the Joint Chiefs. Or they'll show up on their own.

Diagnosis of a Foreign Frame of Heart

2005-08-09T13:37:00.000-05:00

Hey all,

Found this video by uber-cool folk-punk/Americana Canadian rockers The Weakerthans. I just thought it was funny that they talk about "a foreign frame of heart". 'Cause that's me.

Hope you enjoy the video, I thought it was pretty cool in it's own right...

Peace,
thom

(movie suspended)

"Diagnosis" by The Weakerthans
I have a headache. I have a sore back.
I have a letter I can't send.
I have desire, it falters and falls down,
it calls you up drunk at three or four a.m.

to wonder when...wonderful.
All the cheap tricks I tried too hard not to pull.
Pulled along or pulled apart.
The diagnosis of a foreign frame of heart.

I have a story that I'd like to tell you,
it's littered with settings and second takes.
I have a feeling that hums with the street lights
and hides under ice in always frozen lakes.

My mistake to make you cringe.
Another greeting like a broken creaky hinge
to oil and push or pry apart.
The diagnosis of a foreign frame of heart.

Found a cure
for being sure,
and, sure as anything,
I'll smile for my reckoning.

To oil and push or pry apart.
The diagnosis of a foreign frame of heart.

New Post

2005-07-30T01:21:00.000-05:00

...'cause I haven't posted in a while.

But it'll be brief.

This is hilarious. It helps if you know about Tom Cruise's impending institutionalization, and have seen Star Wars: ep. 3.

Wes found this article, and I give him mad props. Mad props. Not just regular ones.

And this is all of Typhoon 7 that hit Nagoya. It was cool.

Friday

2005-07-16T03:15:00.000-05:00

Since today was the 15th, and pay-day, I went to Sakae today after work to do some shopping for some things I've been planning to buy. I've finally caved in, and had to go to the international supermarket to buy a jar of Skippy peanut butter, which I've been craving for about the last two weeks; and to Uni-Qlo some shorts, which I've been in desperate need of in Nagoya's standard 90+ degree daylight hours.

I also went to the bookstore and bought Graham Greene's "The Power and the Glory". This book reminds me of my friend Elasah, with whom I spent many a night in the computer lab, bemoaning our fates in Dr. Ritchie's classes, and bouncing ideas off of each other when Inspiration finally did hit. She loves Graham Greene the way I love Chesterton: these authors strike a resonant string in our hearts; they play at our frequency. Finals week will forever be linked to Graham Greene and G.K. Chesterton, and to Elasah. And thinking of Elasah makes me think of Rachael Freeman, my friend who went to be with the Lord last Saturday. Elasah and Rachael were roommates our senior year, and great friends as long as I'd known them. I haven't talked to Elasah in almost a year, aside from brief conversations at Mayslacks.

But today, in the bookstore, I stood and held "The Power and the Glory" like an old friend after a long absence. Suddenly things I hadn't remembered came flooding back: the joy, the gleam in her eye as she described Greene's particular talent for creating a human out of paper and ink, realizations that hit to the core of both of our lives. I remembered playing the "Obvious Choice" game with her and Rachael in Rachael's car, on the way home from the Coeval binding party at Joey Horstman's house. I remembered how Rachael gave me double points for including a Shakespeare reference in my turn, and how we all laughed at how the choices just kept getting worse and worse. How the air was warm, and it was May, and how we would soon graduate and start our lives apart.

And I realized how terribly hard it must be for her right that very moment. I had to stop and take a few deep breaths as, for a moment, the air seemed much harder to take in. I breathed a prayer for peace and hope and sleep for Elasah and Alex and all the friends and family who had gone to the funeral today. And I held the book a little tighter; a symbol of the past, of friends, of loss. It seems a little strange to use a book to grieve, but I think it's something that Rachael would like, a literary rememberance. And hopefully it will be a reminder of good times and not hard ones, of laughing and reading and coffee hangovers and trying to beat deadlines with brilliant or even coherant ideas. And hopefully a reminder of friends, who have shaped us in little ways, without our knowing it, until we find those little ways sitting on a shelf in a bookstore, half-way around the world.

For Rachael

2005-07-13T20:58:00.000-05:00

I found out tonight that a friend of mine from college was killed in a car accident on Saturday. I know that everyone dies eventually, but it's always a shock, and always a tragedy.

As long as I've known her, Rachael has always been outgoing and funny and smart and always, ALWAYS vivacious. She was the hippie flower child who always made the weather sunny, and always had something funny or insightful to say. She was the one who introduced me to the "Obvious Choice" game, and I think had even been a fellow participant in the "How Many Drinks" game. At Bethel. =) And she wrote some pretty kick-ass poetry.

She married a fellow Bethelite earlier this year, and Rachael and Alex were always a happy edition to the crew at Mayslacks on Tuesdays. Mayslacks, and life in general, won't be the same without her.

Please keep her family, her friends, and especially her husband, in your prayers.

We'll miss you Rachael; keep God company till we get there...

"Vital Spark of Heavenly Flame" by Alexander Pope
(again, because it's good. And because it's Truth)

Vital spark of heavenly flame!
Quit, O quit this mortal frame:
Trembling, hoping, lingering, flying,
O the pain, the bliss of dying!
Cease, fond Nature, cease thy strife,
And let me languish into life.

Hark! they whisper; angels say,
Sister Spirit, come away!
What is this absorbs me quite?
Steals my senses, shuts my sight,
Drowns my spirits, draws my breath?
Tell me, my soul, can this be death?

The world receeds; it disappears!
Heav'n opens on my eyes! my ears
With sounds seraphic ring!
Lend, lend me your wings! I mount! I fly!
O Grave! where is thy victory?
O Death! where is thy sting?

Favorite Quote of the Minute

2005-07-09T01:52:00.000-05:00

"I think I already understand about life:
pretty good, some problems."
-Sam Lamott, age 7

From the mouths of babes and infants...

I'm currently reading "Traveling Mercies" by Anne Lamott; "currently reading" meaning "instead of sleeping" and "instead of studying Japanese." Which is really just fine with me.

I started taking long walks at night through the streets of Nagoya, much like my brother does, except he lives in a small town and I live in Japan. It seriously helping me to clear my head, and lately my head has needed a good deal of clearing.

To make a long story short, I've been dealing with with a lot of "stuff": friends, work, the ex, and clear direction in my life. It's been hard, but good; and the book has been extremely comforting. That's the long and short of it. I'll write more when I more coherant.

To see what else I've been up to, check out my Japan blog.

-t

Calvin and Hobbes

2005-07-04T01:59:00.000-05:00

Ooooh...bad college flashbacks!

I'm on a Calvin and Hoobes kick at the moment. My sister sent me an email with about four and a half million C&H quotes, most of which are absolutely brilliant. I'm reminded of a quote by George Carlin, who said that comedians are the new philosophers; they can directly comment on societal problems without fear of repercussions.

Looking over those quotes, I was reminded of how much Calvin and Hobbes addressed many of the issues that affect humanity as a whole, and our culture (especially pop culture) in particular. Bill Waterson also advanced, or continued I guess, the comic strip as an artform. I remember reading C&H in the Sunday comics, and looking at the artwork as much as the jokes. In a time where most comics are talking heads and the strips are dominated by dialog bubbles, Waterson still filled his strip with watercolors.

Maybe it's becuase I'm surrounded by a culture so foreign to my own, but I miss the wit and insight that Calvin and Hobbes contains.

Enjoy!
-t

Oh yeah, and Happy 4th of July. They don't celebrate it here; the Japanese are really nationalistic and hate Americans. So does the rest of the world. If anyone asks, I'm Australian.

Konnichi wa!

2005-06-28T18:12:00.000-05:00

Greetings friends!

Yep, I'm finally up and rockin' the net Nagoya-style. Internet got hooked up today, so I'll be wasting plenty of time here, and at my other blog, trying to keep you all up-to-date.

The "latest" on the Mysterious-letter-writer front: I received one final piece of mail from The Writer - a large picture of G.K. Chesterton, my favorite author. No note explaining why or how, just a letter-size mailer with the picture inside. When I got the mailer, I half expected to find a candid picture of myself walking down the street, taken from a telephoto lens, with a target around my head! But no, it was a very nice picture of the greatest English writer of the Twentieth Century.

So thank you, whoever took the time to spice up my life, and add mystery and adventure to my every day.

I am currently sitting in my bedroom in my apartment in Nagoya, Japan. The weather here is HOT and humid; I went out today to finally get myself a cell phone, only to end up exhausted and frustrated at my inability to communicate with the Japanese salewoman. So I came home, and decided to check my hundreds of new emails. Which were 87% junkmail. Boo.

Speaking of emails, I really need to email my folks; I haven't talked to them in about a week!

Well kids, I should get going; but I promise that updates will be more frequent from now on. And to my Aussie friends, I'm now a helluva lot closer, so stop by sometime!

Peace,
Thom

The Plot Thickens

2005-05-29T10:18:00.000-05:00

New news in the humorously ironic, "only in my life" department:

1. Yesterday, an 87-year-old former jeweler here at the apartment gave me a two-piece 14kt white gold engagement ring set. He said "Now all you need to do is find a nice diamond to put in it!" No, now all I need to do is to find a nice girl. One thing at a time! But...

2. Also yesterday, I received another mysterious letter! This one contained the lyrics to "Want Ad" by MxPx (which is a very good, rather old song). Hmm...very romantic, but is this a good thing? I leave in 9 days! Oh well, timing has never been my forte...

Mystery

2005-05-27T16:29:00.000-05:00

As if moving to Japan in a week and a half wasn't making my life exciting enough; I now have a new reason to greet each day with joy and anticipation: Yesterday I checked the mail on my way in from work, and the lone piece of lovin' I received was a yellow envelope, bearing a Dr. Seuss stamp, a home-printed address label with a Japanese-themed car, and postmarked the day before in St. Paul. There was no return address. Inside were two pieces of paper; on each, a single-colored print, yellow and black, of a t-shirt with a heart in the middle of it and "untitled 2" typed underneath.

Certain elements of this mysterious letter led me to believe that it was sent by someone I had recently been in contact with; but when asked, they denied sending it. And so I went to sleep perplexed and intrigued.

And the plot thickens. When I returned from work today, I found that I had received another mysterious letter; this one, a grey, foil-flecked envelope with the same label (nearly. a different font), same postmark plus one day, and same lack of return address. It didn't contain any clue to who sent it, only a full-color copy of an article by actor Sean Patrick Flanery, from a seven-year-old issue of Jane magazine. The article, or story rather, tells of the author's first love, and how he dealt with this infatuation by writing letters to the young woman. It also has "tempestuous," "viscosity," and "As I left, I couldn't comprehend how anything wretched could live inside something so beautiful, nor how new haircut could be sufficient in keeping her thought cage warm" (speaking of the girl's cancer) circled in pen on the original.

The story ends with the girl dying of cancer, but Flanery finding out that she has loved him back the whole time. Hmm...

I also realized today that mail from Bethel is stamped "St. Paul"; which increases the scope of my search even more. DOUBLE hmm...

So now I'm even more perplexed and intrigued! I want to know who this is! Writer, you are my new favorite person in the world! You have filled my life with romance and adventure and have made me look at everyone twice, and wonder. If you read this, please talk to me; I leave in ten days.

At the mailbox, waiting,
Thom

Literary Humor

2005-05-15T23:44:00.000-05:00

For my English friends...

I once wrote a paper called "Breaking Up Is Hard To Do: John Milton and Divorce" for a college class on 17th-Century authors.

Seriously.

It was for a class with Dr. Ritchie and I got a B-. I owned.

Sayonara!

2005-05-11T16:16:00.000-05:00

Well kids, it's official - I'm heading to the Land of the Rising Sun! Departure date is June 8th.

And ho-lee crap, that's coming up fast! So if you want to see/hang out with/make out with/talk to me, give me a call, and we'll see if we can get together! I'm always got time for a cup of joe and a friend.

A real update coming soon, I promise.

Governmental Information

2005-04-23T19:25:00.000-05:00

You know how they say that truth is stranger than fiction? Well, this is most definitely true!

Being a rather avid collector of all knowledge useless, I found this both interesting and fucking hilarious. Just about 6 years ago, the Central Intelligence Agency (wait for it) opened its new intelligence center, and named it after a former director. Now, this in itself isn't all that funny; but guess who the center is named after?

Yep, on 26 April, 1999, the C.I.A. opened the George Bush Center for Intelligence. Which is not to be confused with a similar venture, the Derek Zoolander Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good and Would Like To Do Other Things Good Too.

And it is not, in fact, named for the current mental behemoth running the nation; the GBCfI was named for the former President George H.W. Bush, who was the director of the C.I.A. in 1976-77.

In his remarks at the dedication ceremony, former President Bush thanked, among others, a pre-presidential-reject John Kerry for "making this wonderful event in my life happen."

He also thanked "the Marines for showing up."

Now, I'm not too bright when it comes to military history, not having the History Channel and all, but...aren't the Marines usually the first ones sent in? According to this site the Marine motto was "First to Fight," until 1871. So, either the Marines are only first to a fight, and not to a dedication, or there was some doubt by the former President as to their attendance.

Either way, from now on the first place I'm "showing up" for news is the Asia Times Online.

.
Say goodnight Gracie.

Thanks to www.B3TA.com, and Pru, for the initial heads-up.

Home and Away

2005-04-13T23:55:00.000-05:00

Well crew, I’m back. And by popular demand, apparently. Wicky says I need to post more often, so he can leave crude comments for – and about – me. Comments like, “Thom, you f*cker, I thought we were going out for margaritas. I hate you.” Which I found on the white board when I came home last night. The problem, he says, is that people don’t understand our communication style; apparently in our little world, “f*cker” means “warm, kind-hearted individual,” and “margaritas” means “deep, thought-provoking discussions on current social issues of relevance.” Yeah. That’s it.

So. News since the last post: the world headquarters of the Mad Farmer Liberation Front will soon be transferred from beautiful Minnesota to a safe, undisclosed location in Japan. This location is so safe, it hasn’t even been disclosed to me yet.

**Note: this is not the same safe, undisclosed location occupied by Vice President Dick Cheney in 2001, and will not result in half of Congress being replaced by trained seals in the event of nuclear war.**

The Mad Farmer Liberation Front will be spreading its message of love and bemused cynicism to the wonderful people of Japan through conversational English instruction. This has been made possible through a generous partnership with the Nova Group, who have no idea they have created such a partnership (so please don’t tell them).

In completely unrelated news, those wacky Chinese are at it again; according to the Shanghai Daily and Yahoo News, thousands of Shanghai-ans are going to a city park to watch “Pig Olympics.” Specially-trained midget Thai pigs (this keeps getting better!) run over hurdles, jump through hoops, dive, and swim in two shows a day. Quoth 8-year-old gold medal presenter Tan Yizhou, “It’s incredible; I never thought that a pig could be so clever, dexterous and versatile.”

Clever, dexterous and versatile? Damn! These pigs have Paris Hilton beat by “clever” and “versatile!” Sure makes what us Americans watch look pretty dumb, huh? Rumor has it that the Fox Network has banned all Thai pig contestants from American Idol and all other Fox programs, fearing that these contestants would “overwhelm and discourage our God-fearing American contestants,” according to an unidentified source.

And according to another unidentified source (who, I am assuming, is not the same person), the U.S. Government is discussing the replacement of Vice President Dick Cheney with one of these trained pigs, saying, “It is our belief that, while the vice president is a very clever and versatile man, his level of dexterity is severely lacking – a weakness that may be exploited be those who would seek to do harm to our great nation. And that he hates freedom.”

Damn! What about those trained seals?

Oh, and yes, I did use Vice President Dick Cheney, Paris Hilton, and “specially-trained midget Thai pigs” in the same story. Pulitzers may be forwarded to me, c/o Japan.

Operation: Iraqi Fashion

2005-03-11T19:43:00.000-06:00

Yes, now you too can own the fashions that are sweeping Iraqi prisons! No longer limited to highly-secretive "ghost prisoners," these highly desired outfits are now available to the general public, including civilians and children!

Shown: Beaten Black & Blue. Also available in Red Commie, Blood-loss White, and "The Red Cross Can't See You" Camoflauge. Electrodes not included.
Youth S-XL, Womens (including petite) XS-XL, Mens S-XXL.

Yar!

2005-03-03T21:51:00.000-06:00

Ahoy, me maties. Bet yer purparin' fer a bit o' the ol' shenanigans, aren't ye?

Well, ye chum-suckin' lubbers, all I's got fer ye now, is a way of locatin' yer vurry own Piratical Name, wher'with t'be frightenin' the chillins an' the wenches.

Arr! Bar-wench! Anither o' yer finest bottles o' rum!

-"Bloody Tom Kidd"

http://www.fidius.org/quiz/pirate/

Good News! (if you're a lobster)

2005-03-03T18:58:00.000-06:00

Minimum P.I. (priority issues)
Well, as of Thursday we've lost over 1,500 troops in Iraq. 1,500. Which is quite significant to most of us - even those who haven't lost a loved one. This is something the American people should know, right?

You wouldn't know it from looking at MSN.com; 'cause apparently, if you were MSN, you'd top your list of stories with stories about the death of a giant lobster instead. What? There's a war?

For some reason, frightening amalgamations of "The Wizard of Oz," "Brave New World," and CNN keep flashing through my mind. EVERYTHING IS HONKY-DORY! JUST IGNORE THE LITTLE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN! CANADA IS EVIL!

"Canada? What?" you ask.
Read on...

Another reason to be patriotic
The U.S. government is denying responsibility for placing Canadian Defense Minister William Graham on the 'no-fly' list of potential terrorists, thus causing the DM much grief on (attempted) arrival in the States.

Said an aide of Mr. Graham, “Apparently there is another Bill Graham out there somewhere who did something to get his name on an American watch list. Mr. Graham was obliged to prove that he was the other Bill Graham, the one in charge of the Canadian (armed) forces.”

Defense Minister Graham calmly explaining
his situation to inept airport security guards.

C'mon, I mean sure Canada has cheap prescription drugs, an adequate healthcare system, and a friendly, peaceful population; but that doesn't mean they're terrorists!

Rosencrantz & Guildenstern are ON SALE

2005-03-02T17:57:00.000-06:00

Finally!
At the risk of ejaculating prematurely (metaphorically, of course), I have to announce how excited I am to FINALLY be able to own Rosencrantz & Guildenstern are Dead on Region 1 DVD, March 22nd!
MARCH friggin' 22ND!
Now I don't need to go out and buy a British DVD player to watch R&G; all I need to do is go out and buy a U.S. DVD player. Baby steps folks, baby steps.

This is the happiest I've been to see Tim Roth in...well, ever. And a 2 disc set? Sweet...

Inspiration
I spent all afternoon and evening yesterday at a coffee shop, drinking coffee, reading, drinking more coffee, eating meatloaf, drinking more coffee, writing, drinking MORE coffee, etc. and came to this conclusion: while not nearly as glamorous, the extended caffeine buzz is very similar to actual creative epiphany.
Conan Doyle had his heroin, Wilde had his absinthe, Hemingway had his booze, and I've got my coffee. Yay for mind-altering chemicals.

More MSN Headlines

2005-02-24T21:04:00.000-06:00

Hunter Fined $18 million for forest fire.
Well, it looks like Jason Hoskey knows what he'll be spending his tax return on this year. The 26-year-old California man was fined $18.2 million for accidentally starting a forest fire in 2003.

Apparently Mr. Hoskey had gotten lost while hunting and built the fire to stay warm. It got out of control when Hoskey fell asleep - probably relieved that he wouldn't freeze to death before being rescued by the United States Forestry Service.
Final score: Federal Government 1, Death 0.

Quoth the Associated Press: "Besides the restitution ordered at his sentencing, Hoskey was banned from the Mendocino National Forest for five years."
Yeah Jason, take that. You can't get lost in our burnt-out forest for five years, bitch!

In other news...
.
Bush and Putin: "One, two, three, four, I declare a new cold war..."

President Bush taught Russian President Vladimir Putin a new handshake Wednesday, firmly cementing U.S.-Russian relations, but failing to gain any common ground on Russian democracy.

In return, doubtful Russian journalists questioned American democracy - a risky and calculated attack - but Bush replied that he was “perfectly comfortable in telling you, our country is one that safeguards human rights and human dignity, and we resolve our disputes in a peaceful way.” Which was met by sniggers, chortles, chuckles, guffaws, and all-out belly laughs; proving yet again that laughter is the best medicine.

A high-ranking military official, speaking on condition of full identity, reported he later heard Bush call Putin "undemocratible."

FINALLY!
According to Yahoo!News the "Anglican Church Asks U.S., Canada to Leave" Ha ha ha ha HA! Why do I like this so much?
Is it the fact that American (and Canadian) Christians are being asked to explain themselves - to other Christians?
Is it because the Church itself is finally willing to say, "We're not going to have anything to do with this"?
Is it the idea of "a meeting of church primates in Northern Ireland"?
Oh, I don't know...

This just in from the Department of CREEPY

2005-02-19T21:33:00.000-06:00

Well, you've gotta hand it to those crazy Egyptian doctors, they sure know how to remove a second head...

The word "Yeesh" comes to mind.

Who Wants to be a Warmonger?

2005-02-16T15:30:00.000-06:00

Well, it's that time again! Time to play America's favorite gameshow:
"Who In The World Did We Piss Off This Week?"
The only show brought to you exclusively by the letter W.

This week's choices are as follows, and remember to play along at home!

A. Syria
B. North Korea
C. Iran
D. America
E. The Rest of the World

If you chose an anwer, you're right!

Stand by M[icha]e[l]

2005-02-12T16:51:00.000-06:00

Hmm, on a completely different note:
Apparently Cory Feldman has been subpoenaed to testify in the Michael Jackson child molestation case. (Plus, this link also has a frighteningly non-Feldman-looking picture of Feldman)

Dear Lord.

For some reason the term "media circus" comes to mind; I hope they sell popcorn this time - since that's the only thing the OJ trial lacked.

Similarities between the Michael Jackson case and an actual circus:
1. Both deal with lots of children. Lots and lots of children. Dropped off by certifiably insane parents.
2. Both sites have rides and games designed to attract children. Lots and lots of children. Dropped off by certifiably insane parents.
3. Both have hideous, psyche-scarring CLOWNS.
4. Both have side-show freaks/Tito Jackson.

Death

2005-02-11T17:06:00.000-06:00

While I was at work yesterday, a resident came down to the desk and asked me to call paramedics for his wife. It turned out his wife, Dorothy, had had a massive stroke. She passed away around noon today. She was a wonderful woman, who loved and took care her husband, and worked in the apartment library; she was a life-long learner, and always active.

In Dorothy's memory, here is Alexander Pope's poem, Vital Spark of Heavenly Flame:

Vital spark of heavenly flame!
Quit, oh quit this mortal frame:
Trembling, hoping, lingering, flying,
O the pain, the bliss of dying!
Cease, fond nature, cease thy strife,
And let me languish into life.
Hark! they whisper; angels say,
Sister Spirit, come away!
What is this absorbs me quite?
Steals my senses, shuts my sight,
Drowns my spirits, draws my breath?
Tell me, my soul, can this be death?

The world recedes; it disappears!
Heav'n open on my eyes! my ears
With sounds seraphic ring!
Lend, lend your wings! I mount! I fly!
O Grave! where is thy victory?
O Death! where is thy sting?

MSN Headlines

2005-02-10T21:40:00.000-06:00

Feeling a little looney today, I just logged into the computer at work and pulled up the internet. MSN greeted me with the following headlines. Snide comments are from yours truly (remember, I'm a little 'off' today):
"N. Korea says it has nuclear arms"
This just in: Pyongyang also reports it will use "bionic legs" to counter U.S. threat.
"'Cured' Pope back in Vatican"
Vatican releases plans for a new "Hickory Smoked Pope" in 2007.
"Prince Charles to marry lover"
Anglicans up in arms over a divorced king getting remarried? This is just too easy.
Another point of interest is, "Last year, a poll indicated that more Britons support Prince Charles marrying Parker Bowles than oppose it. Thirty-two percent of respondents to the Populus poll said they would support Charles if he remarried, while 29 percent were opposed. Thirty-eight percent said they didn’t care and 2 percent had no opinion."
An additional 14 percent said they would rather see Charles marry a collie, while only eight percent of collies polled said they would support that decision.
And apparently Tony Blair is "delighted" by the whole thing. Boy, I do love those English.

Anyone else got a rebuttal or counter-headline? Leave me a comment.

** Addendum: Anyone else notice how the percentages in the small print add up to 101%? **

Nice Girls Finish Last

2005-02-05T20:57:00.000-06:00

Proof that no good deed goes unpunished. Two girls in Colorado were sued - and lost - for scaring a neighbor while dropping off cookies they'd baked. The neighbor won $900 to cover medical bills for an anxiety attack.
Said the 'victim,' "I'm not gloating about it. I just hope the girls learned a lesson." What the hell? La Plata County Court Judge Doug Walker, you panda-fucker, don't reward psychos like this! Tell her to take a friggin' pill.
My question is, do these people own guns ? Do they vote? Is anyone else frightened at what the outcome might...oh. Well, that would do it.

Saturday

2005-02-05T17:22:00.000-06:00

Mmm...peaceful day; partly cloudy, tempertures in the upper 40s. I got up late, brewed a pot of coffe, grabbed a cigar, and spent the early afternoon out on the patio reading Billy Collins and writing musings. There aren't enough days like this...

"Bare branches in winter are a form of writing.
The unclothed body is autobiography.
Every lake is a vowel, every island a noun."
- from Winter Syntax

Fame

2005-02-03T19:36:00.000-06:00

I got off the bus at Nicollet Mall today, and there were crows of people on every corner. There were also about 5 police cars pulled up on the sidewalk, and a dozen police officers handcuffing a rather large, shirtless gentleman.

Now here's the odd thing: that man was the most popular person in downtown Minneapolis this afternoon. Out of everything in downtown Minneapolis at that moment - corporate headquaters, million-dollar deals, fancy department stores - this man was the most popular one of them all.

The line between fame and infamy is, indeed, quite thin.

Waking Up Is Hard To Do

2005-02-01T22:57:00.000-06:00

Weirdest thing I've heard immediately after waking up (today):
"Boy, your hands can sure get sweaty wearing rubber gloves. I mean, DAMN!" - Kyle

Resolution

2005-01-29T17:43:00.000-06:00

I've got a new goal for life: Live forever or die trying.
So far, so good!

Read "Catch-22," it's good. So far. =)

And it came to pass that Caesar Bush issued a decree...

2005-01-28T17:41:00.000-06:00

Well, I got my W2's in the mail today; it must be the start of tax season in the U.S. again, the time of year when the People pit themselves against their Government in hopes of cutting off the government’s life-blood and plunging themselves back into a chaotic anarchy. Because the government isn’t doing that already.

I just talked to a resident of the apartment I work at, and he told me about an encounter he’d had with the IRS (the “Fear and Loathing” division of the U.S. Government) back in the 1960’s:
To make a long story short, this gentleman had reason to believe that some of the taxed portions of his holdings were being taxed a little too much. He went in to the IRS office to rectify the situation, and told his agent (a “Mr. Holbrook” for the sake of not getting sued by the Feds) that, since their argument defied all logic, reason, and education, the only reason he could come up with for paying this tax was fear of the IRS – which he was not – and that this gentleman would fight the ruling all the way up, if need be. “Mr. Holbrook,” not used to being addressed thusly, was taken aback, and asked if many people were afraid of him. The gentleman replied by asking if “Mr. Holbrook” had ever had the occasion to notice faces as he walked down the street. He replied that he had. The gentleman then noted that there were 23 people sitting in the lobby, waiting to see “Mr. Holbrook,” and that, without fail, every single one had fear in their eyes. “In fact,” he added, “I haven’t seen that much fear in so many people in one place since France during World War Two!”

Don’t you just love a Government capable of inspiring such terror in the heart of its constituents?

Wishing you all a 1040EZ and many happy returns.

Music philosophy

2005-01-26T23:06:00.000-06:00

I was listening to some of my old CDs earlier today and came across one I hadn't heard in forever and a half: 7ball magazine used to put out samplers in hopes of saving today's youth from the perils of popular music, and indeed did find some decent bands. One in particular, Model Engine, asks a good question at the beginning of their song "Scarred but Smarter":
"If it's all true, the only time you fail is the last time you try.
If I concede defeat, will I be complete in my failure?
Am I incomplete and a complete failure?"

I, personally, would rather side with the ever-so-venerable G.K. Chesterton when he said that "Anything worth doing, is worth doing badly." Which is not an excuse to do something poorly, but rather, if something is really worth doing, it's worth risking failure to do.

Excuse me, need to go risk failure...

Hello Sunny Weather

2005-01-25T14:33:00.000-06:00

Well, it's finally happened, the weather has finally turned nice: the temperature has risen to a balmy 40 degrees and the sun is shining. I just can't say enough about the sunshine and the rising levels of serotonin in my brain. I just hope it keeps up!

I'm not a cynic

2005-01-20T01:52:00.000-06:00

Okay, so there's a Murphy's Law for Love that goes: The amount of love you feel for a person is inversely related to the amount of love they feel for you.
Not to be fucking bitter, but it's fucking true. Let me explain:
Yesterday I spent three glorious hours at a coffeshop, reading, writing, drinking some coffee, and eating a kick-ass meatloaf sandwich. I've not gone out for coffee and to write in MONTHS. It's been a long, dry spell.
All the way there on the bus, and really all day, I'd been really missing X (smooth code for "my ex"). But when I got there, grabbed a cup of coffee, and settled in, things got better. I hardly thought about her at all, and when I did it was okay. Not great, but okay. Things are starting to look better.
And today was good too, I was able to appreciate my singleness again a little, crack a few jokes about being one of only a few of my highschool friends whose not married. A good day.

But apparently it hasn't been going so well for X. She sent me an e-mail today about how she misses me, which I appreciate, but FUCK ME SIDEWAYS (thanks for quoting me Ryan Reynolds), while I'm starting to cope, she's starting to regret? At the same time? Weird.

I need to stop whining. I'm sorry. Bah.

Mark it zero!

2005-01-13T19:43:00.000-06:00

This is not 'Nam, this is bowling. There are rules.

Quotes

2005-01-12T18:56:00.000-06:00

Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn´t.
-- Mark Twain

I was looking up this quote for a story I'm writing, and I found this site. It's pretty good, a lot of great mis-quotes by the folks who have been elected to run the country. For example:

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." -- Colonel Oliver North

How very true. I think.

Bah.

2005-01-09T17:25:00.000-06:00

Work is slow, the heart is heavy, and Steve Earle is playing in my mind...

Transcendental Blues
In the darkest hour of the longest night
If it was in my power I'd step into the light
Candles on the alter, penny in your shoe
Walk upon the water — transcendental blues

Happy ever after 'til the day you die
Careful what you ask for, you don't know 'til you try
Hands are in your pockets, starin' at your shoes
Wishin' you could stop it — transcendental blues

If I had it my way, everything would change
Out here on this highway the rules are still the same
Back roads never carry you where you want 'em to
They leave you standin' there with them ol' transcendental blues

New Posting

2005-01-08T18:18:00.000-06:00

Drew, Mr. InferiorityComplex.Com himself, has a new post up. Read it. It's better than me, and I have the grace and dignity to admit it. And I just about wet myself reading it.

Greatness shall be achieved by this young lad.

Oh Crap

2005-01-08T11:37:00.000-06:00

Hmm, so my night last night didn't at all like I had planned.
I originally intended to go out with my ex-girlfriend and some friends to celebrate my ex's birthday, probably by drinking a bit too much to deal with the social and emotional awkwardness.
Instead, in a freak kitchen-judo accident, I flipped my roommate Wicky on his face, and, feeling bad, I stayed home with him to help ease his pain by drinking whiskey and watching "Mary Shelley's Frankenstein".
Not that the latter plan was terrible in any sense, "Frankenstein" is amazing, but I do feel a considerable amount of remorse, for both bruising Wicky's shoulder (rendering him unable to work for the next couple of days) and basically standing up a girl I still love, on her birthday. Fuck.
Oh, and on my only free Friday night in the forseeable future. Double fuck.

i'm sorry.

New Years

2005-01-07T13:49:00.000-06:00

It's been a long December, and there's reason to believe that maybe this year will be better than the last...

Well, New Years has come and gone, resolutions were made, revolutions were started, courses of lives were altered. And drinks were drunk – many of them. So, having had six whole days to rest, recover, and reflect on the year that was, I think I may finally be ready to present my best and worst of The Year of Our Lord, Two Thousand Four.

The Best:
Graduating from college: It was a long hard path, and graduation meant I could get back to one of my favorite pass-times: sleeping. Now all I have to do is pay it off...
The Weakerthans: I bought their "Reconstruction Site" this summer and it's my "best album" of the year. And Wes didn't put it on his top-175 list of 2004. Maybe because it came out in 2003. Damn commie.
Saw them in concert in November; a great show, the first I’d been to in quite a while. Lots of fun.
Dating my girlfriend: It took forever for us to get together (as many people told us), but it was so definitely worth it. I loved her so much. I still do. Crap.
Living at Gusty's: How many other people can have a crazy philosophy professor/landlord who lives in their basement? With three roommates who make Seinfeld look normal? AND a crazy death spike fence on the patio?
Well...I guess just me and my three roomies. And the girls upstairs, too.
Seriously though, some of my favorite times from this year consisted of barbequing out on the patio with the roomies, the girls, and Gusty, eating hamburgers and hotdogs and drinking beer, watching the night descend and the lights of Minneapolis come on. Or going out to smoke cigars or drink White Russians with Wicky, watching kids play baseball under the lights. Magical, man, simply magical.
Mayslacks/Old Chicago Tuesdays: My parents told me that I'd make friends at college that would last the rest of my life. Turns out that's true for drinking buddies too; thanks to my private Christian college experience!
Being hired full-time: What? You'll pay me to sit and read and write and play on the computer? And you’ll give me medical, dental, and life insurance? I guess I was wrong when I said there are no jobs for someone with an English Literature degree!
Shooting squirrels in the backyard: Urban meets Rural, shooting the fuzzy-tailed rats with BB guns out the back door. Oh the enjoyable hours spent picking off the little buggers as they ran across the fence!

The Worst:
Breaking up with my girlfriend: Hands down, worst ever.
I was sick when she called to say we needed "to talk," and I had a bottle of brandy to help with my sore throat. Turns out it helps with broken hearts, too.
“It’s hard to give up the one you never thought you’d leave.”
The last month of college: WORKING hours between homework and class, or "when normal people sleep"; papers, papers, papers – 100 pages the last week alone! My motto for that month was some days "victory" is not cursing everyone you meet.
Working Crazy Hours: Like above, but with two jobs. Yay, working mornings, evenings, and weekends. On the bright side, I did get all the free coffee I could drink…not-that-I’m-addicted-no-it’s-nothing-like-that…
Car dying: Hello, I just got you a month ago. You’d think a 1984 Ford Tempo with 262,000 miles on it, and the bottom rusting out would still have some oomph. Apparently not. Bus, bus, bus, bus, car, bus, bus, bus, bus.
Regrets for not having traveled more this year: Which goes along quite nicely with the above; but I really wish I'd gotten on the road more this year. I also recently had the desire again to hop a train. Not surprisingly I was on my way to work, but I could have done it: the train wasn’t moving too fast, I had a change of clothes in my backpack, warm shoes and coat, and $40 in my wallet. Didn’t do it though, damn responsible employee.

Well, all in all, this year hasn't been the worst ever, no earthquakes or tsunamis like the poor folks in Asia. I really shouldn’t complain; none of us should.

And 2005 is lookin’ pretty good: hopefully shaking everything up, hoping to move to Japan to teach English, or possibly Alaska just for a change of pace. Alaska: because it isn’t cold enough where you are. And change is good. So that’s me: the vagabond poet. Hope your new year is a good one.

God vs. Natural Disasters

2005-01-06T18:11:00.000-06:00

Hmm. I was reading more about the utter devastation that took place in Asia, remembering talking to friends about how can we justify these horrible natural disasters and a kind, loving God. I really have no idea. But I did think of a song that (kind of) addresses the issue:

I couldn't tell you why good people suffer,
I couldn't tell you why the bad ones run free;
God showers blessings on the righteous and the wicked,
I only know that that covers me.
(Why Good People Suffer by Stavesacre)

R & G

2005-01-06T00:10:00.000-06:00

"We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered."

Nothing salves a broken heart like postmodern literature...
Well, that and rum.

TV websites for Christians who JUST DON'T GET IT

2005-01-05T21:46:00.000-06:00

Okay, so work goes slow and my feeble mind wanders, so I check Wes' blog to see what's new with his slow world. He's got a link to a Christian "TV Spotlight" site, the type which, usually, I find rather humerous in their wonderful portrayal of Christian America.
Here's what I find in the reviews for Futurama, which I find infinitely funnier than stereotypical, narrow-minded, clueless "Christians":

Not only does this show contain sexual innuendo, blasphemy against our faith, and promotes the false belief in alien life forms, but it also takes place in the year 3000 (by which time the rapture will most likely have come)... --Eddie Reynolds, age 25

Sweet Zombie Jesus! Apparently Mr. Reynolds, the 25-year-old basement-dweller, hasn't caught the episode where Earth is in peril because all the tapes of a particular alien race's favorite TV show were destroyed "during the second coming of Jesus." Or maybe he just got the "false belief in alien life forms" part out of that one.
Gah. I'm not even going to touch the Rapture issue...

Just a thought

2004-12-30T18:53:00.000-06:00

Has anyone else noticed how the prevalence of boy-bands declined sharply around the same time the "war on terror" ramped up? Now, I'm not saying there's a DEFINITE connection there, but logic would dictate...

Which reminds me, "Tommy Logic" would be the perfect rockstar name. For me specifically, but in general too. Just a thought. 'Cause you really wanted to know.

But back to the point (?): the boy-band/war on terror connection. Could it be that my on-going distrust of groups of boys who sing pop music is completely justified? Are these "groups" really out for more than just to win the hearts of preteen girls everywhere? Are they wintering in sunny Guantanamo Bay? It would explain allegations of human rights violations...

Bus Philosophy

2004-12-26T16:06:00.000-06:00

I was waiting for the bus last Wednesday in butt-nasty cold of a Minnesota winter. A bus shows up about 3 minutes late, with the wrong sign displayed. The bus driver opened the door and yelled, "This is the five-thirty-five-B. The sign's broken." So I got on, paid my fare and sat down near the front of the empty bus. As we pulled away, the driver calls back to me, "Sorry, the sign's broke. I made up a small one for the front, but no one seems to see it. So I just stop, open the door, and call out who I am."
To which I replied, "Isn't that all any of us can do?"

Solitude

2004-12-26T00:18:00.000-06:00

Currently reading Rosencrantz & Guildenstern are Dead by Tom Stoppard.

Guil: A man breaking his journey between one place and another at a third plae of no name, character, population or significance, sees a unicorn cross his path and disappear. That in itself is startling, but there are various precedents for mystical encounters of various kinds, or to be less extreme, a choice of persuasions to put down to fancy; until-- "My God," says a second man, "I must be dreaming, I thought I saw a unicorn." At which point, a dimension is added that makes the experience as alarming as it will ever be. A third witness, you understand, adds no further dimension but only spreads it thinner, and a fourth thinner still, and the more reasonable it becomes until it is as thin as reality, the name we give to common experience.... "Look, look!" recites the crowd. "A horse with an arrow in it's forehead! It must have been mistaken for a deer."

Substitute God for Unicorn, and I think we find why there are a dwindling number of monks and religious hermits (at least of the Christian persuasion): business and impersonal personal connection. So here's my mission for 2005: take walks in the woods whenever possible, be alone, have "mystical encounters of various kinds" with as few people as possible.

"My God," says a second man, "I must be dreaming, I thought I saw God!"

Merry Christmas

2004-12-25T21:16:00.000-06:00

A very Merry Christmas to you all! Well, to all of you of the Christian persuasion at least, may the rest of you have a good holiday-of-your-inclination. Atheists, I'm sorry, there are drawbacks to denying the existence of God on a religious holiday. Like no presents under the Christmas tree.

Because that's what Christmas is really about. Presents. It's not about the incomprehensible miracle that is the wrapping of utter Divinity into the frail, temporal flesh of humanity, or the series of events that that set into motion, leading to the promise of redemption of that humanity. It's not that at all.

God bless us, every one. Maybe some day we'll get it.

-T

Atheists, I'm sorry, I don't mean to be unfeeling or intolerant; finding a benevolent, loving, paradoxical God in a world of war, disease, and hatred is well-nigh impossible. I hope you have a very blessed holiday season. And keep your eyes open, God has a way of "showing up".

THINK

2004-12-19T22:39:00.000-06:00

Heh heh, I found this in the art stairwell at Bethel. It makes me laugh every time I see it. That, and kinda pity the person who wrote "think." Man, they probably had a great point.

The Name

2004-12-19T22:30:00.000-06:00

Oh yeah, perhaps I should explain the title, being that I'm not a farmer, not planning to liberate any farmers anytime in the near future, and don't have an appreciable history of mental illness in my family.
Anyway, I take the name from Wendell Berry's poem, "Manifesto: The Mad Farmer Liberation Front," which is a most fabulous poem, asking you to challenge the life around you, the life we take for granted. Think Fight Club without the fighting, and with a happier outlook at the end. The book Fight Club, not the movie Fight Club.
Imagine practicing resurrection, being patient, contented, awe-filled, honorable, child-like. What a revolutionary idea...

Manifesto: The Mad Farmer Liberation Front
Love the quick profit, the annual raise,
vacation with pay. Want more
of everything ready-made. Be afraid
to know your neighbors and to die.
And you will have a window in your head.
Not even your future will be a mystery
any more. Your mind will be punched in a card
and shut away in a little drawer.
When they want you to buy something
they will call you. When they want you
to die for profit they will let you know.

So, friends, every day do something
that won't compute. Love the Lord.
Love the world. Work for nothing.
Take all that you have and be poor.
Love someone who does not deserve it.
Denounce the government and embrace
the flag. Hope to live in that free
republic for which it stands.
Give your approval to all you cannot
understand. Praise ignorance, for what man
has not encountered he has not destroyed.

Ask the questions that have no answers.
Invest in the millenium. Plant sequoias.
Say that your main crop is the forest
that you did not plant,
that you will not live to harvest.
Say that the leaves are harvested
when they have rotted into the mold.
Call that profit. Prophesy such returns.

Put your faith in the two inches of humus
that will build under the trees
every thousand years.
Listen to carrion - put your ear
close, and hear the faint chattering
of the songs that are to come.
Expect the end of the world. Laugh.
Laughter is immeasurable. Be joyful
though you have considered all the facts.
So long as women do not go cheap
for power, please women more than men.
Ask yourself: Will this satisfy
a woman satisfied to bear a child?
Will this disturb the sleep
of a woman near to giving birth?

Go with your love to the fields.
Lie down in the shade. Rest your head
in her lap. Swear allegiance
to what is nighest your thoughts.
As soon as the generals and the politicos
can predict the motions of your mind,
lose it. Leave it as a sign
to mark the false trail, the way
you didn't go. Be like the fox
who makes more tracks than necessary,
some in the wrong direction.
Practice resurrection.

Sup

2004-12-19T20:15:00.000-06:00

Yeah, sweet, well, it looks like I can now join the masses and immortalize myself in cyberspace! And with a bare minimum of pain.Anyways, thanks for wasting your valuable time on my empty blog, I'll try to have a few rants up in the not-too-distant future. Oh, the things you have to look forward too!